Italy

The first time I went to Italy, I was only in the North, since I have been back a couple of times and seen a bit more. Those bits follow after Venice.

One thing I don't quite understand though is why it is that whilst everyone else's military bands are either stationary or marching the Italian one is either stationary or sprinting, quite bizarre.

The Italians I met were almost all very nice, sometimes a little emotional though. An example of this was when I gave the manager of a hotel (who had been complaining of headaches) a couple of paracetamol and he almost cried with gratitude. No headache justifies that.

Our first proper stop in Italy was to Milan, where we parked the car in the Sansiro stadium (photo 1) for a good nights sleep. The following morning we had quite a surreal awakening as the place was being used as a driving school. The Milanese are bad enough drivers when they are qualified, to see them as learners is indescribable. The instructors paid no attention to their own pupils, all leaning out their windows making obscene gestures to other drivers and shouting Vaffanculo as they are cut up and cut up others. It is unsurprising the drivers are so bad considering the level of instruction. From this bizarre spectacle we went to the town centre and had a look around. I liked Milan and the Duomo (photo 2), the cathedral is lovely.

From Milan we headed to Venice, which had been the reason for the trip in the first place. The argument my friend had used to persuade me to drive us there was quite subtle, but also faultless in it's simplicity. He suggested that we go there because it's not the Venice of the east or of the west, it's not the Venice of the north or south, this is the Venice of the Venice. He was right. Venice however did not impress us half as much as we wanted it to. We both appreciated the lovely architecture etc. but somehow it lacked the magic we were looking for.

The St. Marks cathedral was well worth visiting as it is very ostentatious both outside (photo 1) and in (photo 2). The views from the top balcony are also very nice (photo 3).

In St. Marks square there was some kind of carnival procession going on. This was started by a military band (photo 1) who started playing and then just as we expected them to begin a slow march, started sprinting round the block, still playing and feathers bouncing, very odd. There was also some kind of military pageant going on with folk dressed up as medieval nobles (photo 2), soldiers (photo 3, the bloke on the right looks a bit like Woody Allen might in a similar role), a more sedate marching band (photo 4), and a bunch of flag throwers who would all throw their big flags very high into the air and then catch them again (photos 5-7), it was more impressive than it sounds.

It is for the canals that Venice is famous though and the only way to properly see them is to get in a Gondolier (photo 1) to take you around in a Gondola (photo 2). The most famous bridge in Venice is probably the bridge of sighs (photo 3), so called as it was the way that those condemned in the court would have to walk to the gaol, so there was probably a fair amount of sighing. Most likely there was a lot more cursing and swearing, but that doesn't sound quite so poetic. There are a number of attractive buildings along the canals (photos 4-7) that can be best viewed from the water.

I flew into Pisa and found out when I landed that my niece had been born and my grandmother had died, so the following day I left again. I did get to check out the most famous site there though, the symbol of structural subsidence the leaning tower. The other eccliastical buildings there are also impressive.

Florence was where Dante Alighieri, author of "The Divine Comedy" was from, although he wasn't appreciated in his time (photos), now he is revered as a favourite son.

They say that all roads lead to Rome, which is clearly a lie as the M25 goes nowhere near there, neither do lots of others. Despite this infuriating lie, I managed to get there and check out some of the famous sites. Probably the most famous of these is the Coliseum, former venue for acts of barbarity, performed for public amusement. Now the amused public only have to suffer the barbarous queues and ticket prices.

The Boca de Veritas is supposed to be able to tell if someone is lying, when you put your hand in its mouth, if you are lying it will close. The thing wasn't working properly when I was there as I told a really big porky and I still have all my digits.

Michelangelo's David is possibly the most famous sculpture in existence, it is so much more impressive than I anticipated, when I saw it in the flesh.

I really liked the Pantheon, it had a sense of grandeur and completeness that was missing from so much of the other Roman stuff for me.

The Forum in Rome is nice, with lots of ruins, that is also its problem though, many of the structures are difficult to visualize in their complete form, due to their state of dilapidation.

The Spanish steps seem to be the most popular tourist site in the city, they are nice, but at the end of the day they are just steps, whatever their nationality.

Gina Lollobrigida was not on hand to frolic Felliniesque when I went to the Trevi fountain. I still liked it, despite the obvious absence of a buxom blonde wet and wild in its waters.

Mussolini's legacy to Rome is the Vittorio, not the greatest architectural masterpiece on the planet, but I have also seen worse, as anyone who has been to Chigwell can easily confirm.